Eden's first trip to Disney.

My son amazes me every day.  He is so smart and intuitive even at his young age.

At Disney he was looking around so amazed and happy.  It was perfect weather for the perfect day with family after laying my grandfather to rest yesterday.

Why does Disney make us all feel like we are 5 years old again when you get there and 100 years old when you leave.  I love it!  I am so happy to my little man gets to experience so much where we live.

goodbye grampa

we laid my grampa to rest today.  so i wanted to list the wonderful things about him here so that someday Eden may know how great he was.

v  he took care of my bed ridden granny for 10 years before she passed away

v  he took me to a renaissance festival when i was 4 and bragged that i could build a loom after climbing around and studying it.

v  he gave me my first job, helping him sell plants at the farmers market and not getting mad when i played most of the day.

v  he always said that i was the most like him out of all of his grandkids.

v  he loved the fact that i would go anywhere he would take me.

v  he had a 9th grade education but could solve almost any math problem using logic.

v  he never allowed his southern up bringing to make him a bigot.

v  he had a million different careers over his life time.

v  he could tell the same story the same way a hundred times.

v  he served his country

v  he knew everything there was to know about plants.

v  he was a lifelong winter gardenian.

v  he always called me and my sister "boy."

v  he was one of my favorite people.

these are a few things that made him great (i may add more as life goes on)

Feeling Bad

So I mentioned to the boys' mom that Teddy Bear had told be that he and Sugar did not have costumes.  I told her this after Halloween and after I new that she bought them costumes.

I don't even know why I did it, I should have told her before Halloween or not at all.  I think I didn't mention it because I am always afraid of making her feel like a bad mother.  I really want to scream at her that she needs to act it work before it is too late.  I do not think that she will ever convince Sugar to move in with her, because he has a best friend where his dad lives and I don't know that she wants Teddy Bear by himself even if he would leave his brother.

She says that they can come live with her when she gets a house, but they CAN live in an apartment... Maybe they are better off with BadX.  He has A LOT of faults but he does love them, I guess that counts for something...

I stay silent even when I shouldn't and I do not say anything to either parent that could jeopardize my time with the boys.  Not sure what that makes me :/

Baby sitting

	BadX called and texted me earlier tonight to ask if I could take Teddy Bear for the weekend or really just during the day on both Sat and Sun.  He will be working with his girlfriend because her business has picked up and that way she does not have to hire someone else and the money stays in the household.  Sugar will be with a friend so he is covered.  She will still be in control of the money though, so the boys will still not get anything. Dang it. I shouldn't say things like that... I hope that they work out as a family and that she starts including the boys in as much as she does with her daughter. Well anyway, I knew that it was going to be hard to convince Perfect and I was right.  I got "I am nobody's baby-sitter!" Even though I pick up Gorgeous at the drop of a hat with a minute's notice.  Although his thing is that he want to spend time with HIS daughter and the boys are not mine.  I don't think of it that way, the boys want me in their life and I want to be there, so I am not a baby sitter I am spending time with them. It took pouting and whining, but he finally said that we could get him just tomorrow (Saturday) and that I should be grateful.  REALLY!!!!! Ugh, well maybe after we have him here he will change his  mind and let him stay.

BadX's girlfriend texted me today to take Teddy Bear tomorrow.  According to her BadX got a job, but I don't know if I buy it.  I hope so, but really my work schedule is simple and they knew I would be working, so I think they only asked in order to point out the fact that he has a job.

big brother's birthday

it is big brother's birthday.  i miss planning out stuff and getting to see the joy on his face.  his mother took him, his brother and little sister to a theme park and then a skate park, which he will love and i am a little jealous that it is not me taking him.

it is so hard missing them and loving them so much, but at the same time being happy that i do not have the financial burden so that i can give eden the best life possible.  i will be able to send him to college and buy him a cheap car when he turns 16, etc.  but i wish i could do the same for them.  as it is, i buy them socks and underwear when i can because it looks as if no one else does (crazy i know, but they come over ever time with no underwear on....ugh).

i hate missing these special events... maybe i can talk perfect into getting them next weekend....

family ties

Going to get Gorgeous (Perfect's oldest daughter) today after work.   Eden loves his big sister!  I can't wait to walk in and his face to light up when he sees her.

I wish he could see his other sister Silly.  He is 16 months old and has never met her, she lives across the country.  I am hoping that we can save up to get her here next summer, because it will be Perfect's last summer as a stay at home Daddy. 

It is so strange to me, my parents are still married and never had any children with other people.  My sister and I grew up together and are very close.  To have siblings that you never see is such a foregn concept to me.  Eden is basically an only child he has 2 siblings but he sees one once a month and the other he has never met.

In Perfect's family he is the youngest of 6 and they range over 20 years and that is just on his mother's side.  His father had children before he met his mother and vice versa.  He has siblings on his father's side that he never sees.  So this life is not as weird for him, but to me it is weird having a family spread out all over the place.

I'm sure that he will still be close to his family, but I wish they could all live with us, including my pseudo sons!

Awesome but sad weekend.

It started week...
I noticed that the boys mom stated that she was going to have big brother but not little brother over the weekend. She did this a month prior and asked if I would take little brother so that she would not have to leave him at home alone over the weekend.

Later I found that she took big brother on vacation....REALLY!

She promissed to take little brother the following weekend to a theme park to make up for it, but never did.

I did not want this to happen again so I asked badX for both the boys before she could ask for only one.

We went to a corn maze and had a blast.  They had a jump pillow, we got lost for 3 hours, we ate corn and drank lemonade....... IT WAS AWESOME!!

When their mother found out I had them she asked if she could get them from me to take them costume shopping and unfortunately I told them and she ignored my text when we were done.

I felt really bad driving them home. I miss them already.

A hard situation

It hurts me that Perfect doesn't like the boys being in my life.  He feels that it would be better for everyone if I just left them alone, but I just can't.  They have been abandoned over and over and now they are living with someone who treats one of them like a second class citizen.

I would hate for them to feel like my love for them is less than it is.  They need to know that someone will always be there for them.  At the very least someone responsible, because I know that BadX loves them, but he does nothing to care for them.

I have to beg and bargain to get Perfect to let them come over.  I know that they are not technically my kids, but that is not the way they feel and it is not the way I feel either.  LB (little brother) has my personality and my love of cuddling.  BB (Big Brother) has my brain and lack of living up to my potential.

I raised them from the time I was 25 and they were both 3 until they were 7, every time I pick them up they say you are pretty much our mom <3.  I was the soul financial provider and I was the only one that took them to the park and the pool and I was the only one who went to their student teacher meetings.

I WAS THEIR MOMMY!

I would never deny his right to see his "ex" stepson if he was able to.  Unfortunately, his ex is an evil witch who expected him to raise the boy as his own until she decided to get back with the biological that abandoned him in the first place.

I wish that I knew that the boys would be ok....

eden's costume came in today

Have I ever mentioned that Perfect is a Transformers fan (other than the new movies, but that's another blog).  So Eden is going to be Optimus Prime!  He is so adorable.

I love this time of year and going trick o' treating!  He is only 16 months, but he can walk so he can get mommie, I mean himself candy candy candy candy!

The one thing that I am really looking forward to is a pumpkin patch.  Getting my sweet baby dressed up and irritating him as I try to get the perfect picture!!! I can't wait!!!

Life is sweet <3

perfect and little brother's birthday

the boys' mother is taking them to a theme park for little brother's ninth birthday.  i am happy that he is going to have a special day.  i texted BadX to get them the weekend after his birthday.

i got him a small present and socks and underwear, but i want to do something more, like chucky cheese or the beach and a cake...

not only does Perfect say that i shouldn't spend the money but he also believes that it is not my place. i don't get it.  we just spent like $400 on Perfect's oldest daughter's (gorgeous) birthday that is at the end of the month.

i know i know that she is actually his daughter, but i think i had a larger hand in rearing the boys than he did in raising her.  he is a great father but she didn't live with him and they did live with me for 4 years and spent half the time with me for a year and a half before that. i am not saying that she doen't deserve it, but i never got that much for my birthday and my parents had more money than we do.  either way i do not think that he has any right to say that i shouldn't have a party for little brother....grrrr.

Eden's Smile

Eden smiles with his whole mouth and face.  I have never been a morning person but this kid makes me want to get up just to see that smile in the morning. Believe me he still has to rap on my head a few times, but as soon as my eyes open I am in pure heaven.

I hate to think that someday he may take after his mommy and start being a grump in the morning, but for now it is his favorite time of day!

Perfect and Eden's mommie may not be the perfect parents...together

I know that there are not many people who can automatically know that they will parent well together, but Perfect and I have had glimpses of the future and I am worried.

He is very strict.  His 14 year old daughter was grounded for a month for a hickey.  The hickey did not happen as a result of a hot and heavy make out session.  There was another adult in the room that did not notice anything.  So when his daughter told us that it was the result of a joking around and the fact that this thing was the size of a pea I tend to believe her.  Her father and mother however thought that grounding her for a month was reasonable.

I was never grounded for that long as a child and I never grounded the boys that long.  Perfect even threatened to have an injunction put on the boy.

I think this was a super overreaction on the part of the parents and I am afraid that he and I will not be able to talk these things out before he flies off the handle and goes overboard punishing Eden.  I believe that once a punishment is given you should stick to it and I do not want to stick to super crazy punishments that do not fit the crime. 

Maybe I am just a Hippie.

Ear Ache

My poor sweet baby spent the evening curled up in my arms

A little history (his side)

My boyfriend (Perfect) has been married 2ce before and has 2 daughters one from wife number 2 and one from his high school girlfriend.  His second wife cheated on him at one point and had a baby with another man.  Perfect forgave her and took her back when the other man left her pregnant and alone.

He and this woman never really got along it seems, but I think they loved torturing each other for some reason. Despite this he was there for the birth of her little boy who he raised as his own until surprise surprise baby daddy showed up 2 years later to save her from Perfect and no longer allow him to see his son.

I shouldn't judge I was not there but I think it would be more confusing for a boy to wonder who the man is in the pictures during the 1st two years of a baby's life then to let him have 2 fathers, but whatever.  It is what is.

Perfect was able to be there for me because ina way he knew what I was going through.  I wish I had been able to be there for him more when he was losing a son (stepson) that he loved.

I am just glad that I was able to give him a baby boy that even I can't take away from him (not that I ever would).

A little History (Mommies side of the story)

August 1st, 2009 I thought my world came to an end.  I had been dating a man (we will call him BadX for blog purposes) for over 5 years that had 2 young sons.  The boys (who I will generally refer to as the boys) moved in with me when they were 3 and BadX lost his job again and for the last time soon after that.

BadX was a drug addict and slowly continued to get worse and worse until my life was solely lived for those boys and covering up BadX's indiscretions so that they were not taken away from me.  I did not care whether he lived or died (sick but true). This was very selfish looking back I should have told their mother and had her take them back and kicked badX to the curb.  I did not do this, however.  Instead, I continued to feel that the best place for them was with me (I still do not doubt this) and that the only way for them to be with me was to be with BadX.

I lost my job in April of 2009 and since I had no money for BadX to steal he began Dr shopping and selling Rx to feed his habit.  Through these activities he met his new GF (Desperate4Luv).  I call her Deperate4Luv because she saw his schizo drug addict ways and didn't care, she was so desparate and he saw a chick with a job so on August 1, 2009 he took the boys to live with a woman he had known for 2 months and had met through dealing drugs.  I was more than scared, I was angry, but unfortunately I had no rights what so ever.

I had let him ruin my relationships with my friends and my life and my credit and now I had nothing to show for it not even my big screen TV that he stole that night and definately not those sweet little boys, that I just knew he was going to ruin.

In my time of need I turned to a friend that I had known forever for comfort and and we fell in love....

2 MONTHS LATER I WAS PREGNANT and so it all began.

I will talk about current events in my now normal life and also I will flash back a little as my dear Eden is 7 months old I am a little behind.